The argument in brief
- The question
- When everyone else seems to be doing better, what are we really comparing ourselves to?
- The claim
- You will feel like everyone else has it together and is doing better, but a lot of them are covering up the struggle. If you are struggling, find help and talk to someone. Confidence: A personal reflection from my own experience and thinking. No studies cited.
- The evidence
- My own sense of the gap between the life we experience and the life we present to others.
- People I recommended The Power of Now to, who had anxiety and found it helped. This is my own experience, not evidence that it works for others.
- No studies or figures on how many people are struggling.
- The best counter
- Some people who seem to be doing well really are, and comparing ourselves with others can sometimes point to a change worth making rather than only to a distorted picture.
- What would change my mind
- Evidence that the people we compare ourselves with are, on the whole, as content in private as they appear in public.
- Open gaps
- 1 gap. Statements I haven't verified yet. Each is marked in the text.
The question: When everyone else seems to be doing better, what are we really comparing ourselves to?We live two lives. We live the life we experience ourselves and we live a life we present to others.
It is natural to compare your situation to others. You want to make sure you’re having the same normal and fair experience that others are having. Everyone else seems to have their life together. They seem happy, successful and loving life.
Some of you reading this will be holding back a truth that only you know. A truth that makes it seem so unfair. You’ll be carrying pain, anxiety, loneliness and fear of being yourself. You’ll be trying to cover up a stress that you just wish wasn’t there. And nobody knows you’re doing it.
You craft a version of yourself that you present to others. It is lonely and exhausting.
You may feel ashamed to admit that you’re struggling. Don’t be. More people than you realise are struggling. It’s normal given the cards you’ve been dealt. Unverified: Any guilt or embarrassment is the result of a biological system doing what evolution evolved to do. Deep in your mind is a physiological response to thinking certain thoughts.Gap · needs evidence: This is my understanding of where these feelings come from, not something I've checked against a source. This is natural. It may not be optimal, but it’s natural.
What are you comparing yourself to?
Remember this. When you look at someone else and their successes, remember that they too are presenting a version of themselves. They are not presenting the truth behind their success: the fear, the imposter syndrome, the anxiety, the stress, the sacrifice.
By comparing your experience to a picture-perfect version, you’re setting unreasonable demands to be someone that is impossible to be. You can only be you.
Don’t compare your documentary to someone else’s highlight reel.
Be okay to talk
If today’s topic has hit hard, it’s important to note that I am not qualified to give advice on what you should do next. But as an internet friend, I will say that you absolutely should seek professional help. If you feel lost or ashamed to do so, don’t worry. They’ve seen it all before and they want to help.
The Power of Now
Limits: This is what a few people told me, not evidence that the book helps with anxiety in general. A book is no substitute for professional help.There’s one book I would turn to if I felt lost. It’s The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’ve recommended this book to people who have anxiety and they have found it helps. For me, this book has opened my mind to being calm, accepting and truthful to myself.
If you’re curious, check out my book summary video on YouTube.
The ah-ha moment
The ah-ha moment for today is that Claim, confidence:a personal reflection from my own experience; not tested: you will feel like everyone else has it together and is doing better, but a lot of them are covering up the struggle. If you are struggling, find help and talk to someone.
I’ll leave you with my favourite quote:
There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. William Shakespeare, HamletSource: Hamlet says it to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: “there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” The words are Hamlet’s, a character in a play, rather than Shakespeare speaking for himself.Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2, William Shakespeare (Folger Shakespeare Library edition)
I like this because we should be able to think about our situation in a growth mindset way. The moment we judge it as good or bad, that’s when we label it and put roadblocks in our way to progress.
Sources
- Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2, William Shakespeare (Folger Shakespeare Library edition)
Books behind this essay
Not sources for any claim here. These are books I have finished that shaped how I think about this question. Where I rely on evidence, it is cited in the text.
The Gap and the Gain (opens audible.co.uk, external site)
Shaped how I think about measuring ourselves against an ideal rather than against where we started.
Master Your Emotions (opens audible.co.uk, external site)
Shaped how I think about the feelings that come with comparison, and how to sit with them.
The Art of Living (opens audible.co.uk, external site)
Shaped how I think about being calm and present, which is what drew me to The Power of Now.
Mindset (opens audible.co.uk, external site)
Shaped how I think about seeing our situation in a growth mindset way, which is why the closing quote matters to me.
